I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
