i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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