i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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