Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
