i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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