We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
