woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Randomize
