We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
