Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
