i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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