Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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