hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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