My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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