Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
the condom got lost in my hair
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
