our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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