Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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