She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
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