If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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