I just pynch a tree in the face
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
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the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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