meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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