and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
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i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
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In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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