home. puking in laundry basket.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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