doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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