either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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