omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
