my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
