I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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