1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
even my farts smell like vagina
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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