I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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