Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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