i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
