i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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