how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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