Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
