when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
