My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
