I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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