Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
