I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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