If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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