dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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