You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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