my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
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He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
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Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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