Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
