Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
