i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Floor bacon is actually really good
Randomize
