My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
