I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
