he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
