my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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