apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
