My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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