Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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