I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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