fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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