How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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